Well after a week in which we've buried his mother I've just had an encounter with mine that has left me boiling!

My house generally looks like a bomb hit it - we've too much stuff and not the storage space for it all - yes it drives me crackers every once in a while and it can be embarrassing but I'm lazy so that is the price.  
I don't like my mother coming over 'cause afterwards I've to sit through phone calls in which she tells me that when I'm not there she's going to go over and tidy the place for me and she goes on to tell me how upsetting she finds it to see me living the way we are.  Naturally enough I find all of that upsetting - and she knows it! 
We had been working through it all dumping stuff but it kindda ground to a halt when himself hit a wall recently and even the surface stuff stood still for the week.  

So my mother, on her way to Waterford, had to swing by to drop off something and I had to give her something - I wasn't expecting her to come in or anything.  So when I opened the door to her she told me my curtains were filthy and needed to be washed (no they're not filthy but yes they could do with brightening up)  She gave me my makeup and chocolate and then said I'm not coming in 'cause I couldn't handle it - I passed the comment that I couldn't handle it either but I really should have pulled her up on it.  All she had to do is give me the stuff and say she didn't have time to stop as she has to get the road under her.  I mean I'm well aware of what she thinks I don't need the sly jibe! 

It's now getting to the point that when it is finally up to guest ready I'd be reluctant to have her as one!  How sad is that?

(This has really taken the wind out of my sails - I don't know if I'm upset or angry)

Last week (possibly two weeks ago) I picked up the Nella Lasts other 2 books - so as a reminder of what had been happening and where/how things stood by the end of Nella Lasts War.

On top of that I've picked up three other books:
Poems In The Porch,
Tennis Whites And Teacakes
Betjeman's England

and :)  I've to collect one more book 
Rachel Khoo: The Little Paris Kitchen.

I think I've been having a book frenzy - I just love it!

I have a few of them - some people might even say I have too many - but in my book you can never have too many notebooks - it's like saying having too many pens!  Actually 'cause he's never said I've too many pens leads me to believe he just hasn't found them yet - teehee!  I'm starting to think I may have an issue with stationery...
Anyway the above was not the point of this post - I've found a use for one of my notebooks - it's a lovely chunky notebook - so I'm keeping recipes in it.

This is the notebook - Kitten Notebook
(I could have taken my own picture but this one is probably better than anything I'd take)

Recently due to the advent of my iPad I've been getting magazines on it rather than having them lying around the place.  So instead of having to try and remember which magazine or even ripping out the page to keep - I'm now going to transcribe the ones I want to have easily to hand.

Yes I know it's common sense and you're probably wondering why I haven't thought of it before - if I'm being honest I haven't been cooking lately so that's why.  I was going to type that's my excuse but it's a really shit excuse - should be cooking!!
So now it's time to jot down the fantastic Cheesy Potatoes with Mushrooms that we had last night - I'm just really sad it's all gone 'cause it would have been lovely cold - next time I might make two lots (or is that just being greedy?)  The recipe is on page 53 of the latest UK Weight Watchers mag. - I may have mentioned it was yummy!

(x-posted from Wordpress)

Last night was the third night in a row that my sleep has been absolutely appalling.  Last night, while I did manage to go to sleep early on several occasions, it just wasn't restful.  I have a sneaking feeling that it might just be tension and stress now that we are coming to the end of his treatment - it's his last one today, although the technician in the hospital thought that yesterday was his last so we'll wait and see.
I may wait and see how tonight (Wednesday night) goes and if there is no improvement I may get a sleeping tablet from himself.

Himself went for a lie down almost an hour ago and in that time (so far) he has had to go for a wee 4 and other business once - I sincerely hope he's getting some rest in between trips 'cause he most certainly isn't getting the snooze he was hoping for :(

And it's not Me!!!  Yes himself has been struck down - this is to add to his bowel woes - can it get any better?  Well actually yes - there's only 3 more sessions.  We've been going well for the past few days - although I'm a bit wrecked.  I leave work, get the bus home, quick bite to eat, drive back into town to the hospital, then drive home. I'm hoping that they will stick to giving him late appointments as the half day doesn't eat into my annual leave as much as todays lunchtime appointment - but then again a day off is always welcome - the pity about it was that it's at very short notice for work.
Anyway I think the not going in and out on the bus is doing himself some good - there's no getting off the bus at random places to go to the toilet.  However as mentioned the radiation is causing some cystitis so the do I don't I need to pee is starting to cause as much trouble as the bowel.  
At least the weekend is ahead of us and there will be no need to be straying far from the house - Himself has vowed not to leave the house for at least a fortnight after the treatment has finished.  I'm not too sure how serious he was about it...

So as I said - 3 more sessions, 1 Doctors chat- (hospital blood test results), new blood test, next month check up with surgeon (from the prostatectomy) to discuss the MRI he had before the radiotherapy and the results of the blood test.  After that we have to wait for about 6month to see if the radiation has actually worked. 
Nothing to it - eek!

Well himself is getting getting zapped as I type.   We parked near chapters and dropped in 'cause there was a need for the facilities.  Afterwards we had a bit of a walk to the hospital - all of the time he was huffing and puffing caused by tension (just wanting this to be done) and the need to go to the toilet again.  When we hit the hospital it was straight into the jacks again - I always knew he was dull of shite :)
On the serious side - this was two loo trips and that is with imodium (not sure of spelling). mercifully he had barely sat down when the nurse came out and whisked him away.
I need to get a few things in Tesco on the way home but I am not so sure.

After our visit my sister we spent the rest of the weekend at home - much computing and TV watching - zilch on the housework front :)  It was only last night when I was asking how was he that he said he felt he had been going to the toilet the whole time and he really should have been keeping note of the amount of times.  When you are in that situation you tend to forget how often you are in there and when you go out you are taken by surprise when you are caught short.  With that in mind we've sorted him out for the next week or so (I think I mentioned it in the previous post)  
So yeah it's been very quiet weekend.  However today for most people it's a work day - and this is the one thing I love about my job - it's a privilege day!  so one more long sleep - but as I said since it's a work day I think I'll do housework - undo the weekend (teehee!)

Today we went out to my sisters to drop off Easter Chocs for the minis.  Unfortunately when we got there herself was out however a quick call told us she was in swords and would be back in about half an hour.  So we decided instead of waiting in the car outside the house for that long we'd go for a spin, possibly a walk.  In the end we only drove around the corner, pulled up near the library and went for a walk.  I have to say it was a very brief walk as it seems the walking stimulates the insides and he wasn't sure if he really needed to go to the toilet or if he just felt that way.  So a brief sit down on a wall and a stroll back to the car - what to do next?  He felt fine once he was sitting down so spin it was - we went up to Sutton Cross and around by Baldoyle and up to herself - we'd only just parked when her nibs came along.  
When we were inside my niece wanted up to play Hungry Hippos - if you are ever in that position - don't play with her 'cause she cheats in all sorts of imaginable ways!  She knows that P. has a bobo (nebulous pain) she thinks it's either in his head or his tummy so she doesn't want to hurt him - this is so totally sweet!  So after Hippos they have to play Birds on his phone.  
By now himself is fairly worn out and I promised my mother I'd call over to get something off of her for a wedding and then we had to organise who was going to take himself to hospital for the next few days as he's not really able to go by bus on his own these days. So she's Thurs & Fri and I'm Tues, Wed, Mon, Tues, Wed and after that it's all over!  Anyway I was made to promise that it would be a flying visit and I was true to my word!  When we were leaving I have to say himself looked like shite - very grey in the face.  Sadly for himself he doesn't seem to sleep in the car - I'm not sure if it's a reflection on my driving or not but we'll say not :)
When we got home he hit the hay - I was a bit tired myself so it was sofa time!  Miss Marple, You've Been Framed, TV Burp, BGT & Inspector Montalbano - all wholesome fun!  so it's now bedtime again
Tomorrow will be another day in front of the telly but in the company of Chocolate - how divine!

We were chattin' last night about how he is keeping everybody updated on his progress via facebook.  If you were to read it you would think good on ya keep up the good fight but while he's being honest about things he's not being detailed about it.  He now only has 7 more sessions to go and the radiation is now taking it's toll on him and the possible side effects are kicking in.  In fairness they kicked in about a week/week and a half ago.  

Anyway firstly I must say that in a way this will be my week of his last treatment rather than his - can't speak for him - all I can do is tell you what I see and feel.  
Ah well, on with the day can't tell you about it if we don't start it.

I'm standing in the kitchen waiting for the kettle to boil and I'm waiting and waiting - ok it mightn't have been that long but it just felt that way.  Then I realised that it may have actually boiled while I was turning on the tumble drier - a quick tip test just to make sure - no kettle is cold.  That's when I remembered I hadn't even filled the thing never mind turn it on!!  
I really do hope that work is going to be that bit better.

I'm not sold on it - I'm waiting for the machine to say look it up yourself you lazy shite!

This morning was my second morning to walk into work.  I should qualify that statement - I didn't walk all the way from home 'cause that would take hours - what I did was summoned up all of my willpower and actually got off the bus when we reached the Phibsboro end of the Whitworth Rd.
There are two ways walk down the road - but you have to choose and it's not easy to change your mind once you're committed.  The first way is to walk down the road, the other way is to walk along the canal.  The reason you can change over half way is there is a sunken railway line separating them so no ducking across.

As it's usually early morning (well 8.15am so not that early) it is however early enough so that any undesirables that may hang out around the canal haven't surfaced so I walk down by the canal.

Yesterday I couldn't stop thinking Oh that'd make a nice picture, so would that and that!  So this morning I grabbed the camera and off I went.
Time to start out on my walk.


Because the mornings are beautifully calm so it the water and it gives a lovely reflection



this one almost looks like a little robot face :)



This is the first lock that's a bit easier to get a picture of -


As it's a double lock-


These are were the only people I saw on the way - a power walker & a jogger.  Maybe it's something I should aspire to?



In the distance you may (or may not) notice a swan.

Here he is!!!

     And Upside Down    

I'm almost at the end of the scenic part of my walk to work.  Just beyond our feathered friend is a statue of Brendan Behan.  He's just sittin' and takin' it easy.



However he's not alone taking it easy and watching the waters.



Just beyond that wall it's back to streets, traffic, noise and people.  This stroll really is the calm before storm that is a day in work

Some of the other photos are here

I'm watching Sport Relief -  I've mixed notions going through my head at the moment.  

I'm not mad about the bits where they interview some poor soul and it's a case of tell me your really sad heartbreaking story so we can all cry to it.

1 million children die - that's the number 1 and another word - 999,999 children die almost seems like a bigger number.

Half the country is sitting at home crying to half of these things and yet if those people come over here (here being wherever you are) they'd nearly walk right through them and vilify them at every opportunity - it makes no sense!

Like I said notions.

I've had another dream that included Stephen Fry - this is disconcerting :(  however the bit that puzzles me most is why the restaurant seats turned into swings!!!!  
I know the fact that it's a dream explains everything, but still!

I'm stressed.  
I'm trying not to be and I don't really know why I am.  
Now I know that you would probably say well you're stressed 'cause your husband has cancer (again) and that it's perfectly reasonable to feel that way.  
Well it is and it isn't - Last time or should I say the first time we went through his ordeal - it was so terribly awful, unimaginable, scary, incomprehensible.  
When he had his surgery there wasn't any time to be worried or stressed - all that mattered was that you had to help him and while you were doing that he was busy getting better.  There was no time to think - what if?  Ok sometimes it was a bit distressing but I wasn't (too) stressed.  
This time it's different.  
I don't know how and I don't know why.  
The whole prospect of treatment isn't as daunting as the surgery was - it takes about 20/30 mins a day and it's over with, so far there are no side effects - that may change by about week 4 but we'll have to wait and see.  
I think it's the whole thing that it came back - if it came back this time does that mean it can come back again?  
I know I shouldn't go down that road and generally it can be dismissed but given the situation we're in it's not wholly unrealistic is it?
It's not going to kill him although by the nature of the disease it does have that potential (then again if he annoyed me enough then yeah I'd have the potential too) - what it is, is, I just want him to be well.  I don't want him to be sick, I don't want to have to wait for side effects, I don't want to wait to see if it's gone.  
When I say I want him to be well again I don't just mean cancer be gone but the side effects of the surgery too - I wish they were gone or lessened.
I want us to be able to plan and focus on us and not on a few cells.
I can handle the question how is Pádraig?  and while it's nice and all of that I just can't handle the question that is - How are you?  The answer if I don't cry is I'm fine (after all I'm not sick) all you can do is put your head down and get through the day 'cause that's all you can do - you've no control over tomorrow.  
Maybe that's it!  It's the lack of control I feel.  Who am I kidding? I don't know why!

Did I mention I have pmt?  No?  well that might be the cause of some of my stress this weekend...

BTW it's always WE have and appointment for HIS treatments kind of thing.  It always annoyed me when your heard Oh Yes WE'RE expecting - no you're wife is, you're not!  I get a bit paranoid now that I'm doing it and I do apologise to anybody I've sinned against in my heart with that one :)

I've three books I'm allocating to day time, night time and a something for a change.

I think the day book will be Case Histories by Kate Atkinson - if nothing else I need a light book after carrying around a hardback copy of Snuff.  I've been wanting to read this series of books since the TV programme although I've had them for a while and if nothing else Jason Isaacs isn't a bad face to have to image for a character.

The evening/night book will be House Bound by Winifred Peck.  Although I've started this already though I might alternate it with Case Histories as I do want to get through it and I tend not to read much at night as I'd like.

The last one is How To Be A Woman by Caitlin Moran - this might seem a bit odd but I don't particularly want to advertise this too much so it will definitely be the one that is "for a change" and will only be read at home (possibly weekends?)  I don't know why I don't want to advertise it I suppose it's a case of not being sure if I agree with the contents - but best to know what it is before you decide whether you agree or not.

Well there you are - I still have shelves of books to get through so there are a few more to be allocated day & night when these are finished - Agatha Christie, China Miéville, Christopher Fowler and James Anderson - after that we'll have another look at what's begging to be read..

We've hemmed and hawed about going this year mainly due to a combination of guests that are going and available cash.  However the guesty situation has slightly changed so now wer're thinking of going.
Due to the lateness of our decision means it might only see us for 1 or 2 nights instead of what was previously a 4 nighter.  
The other thing that is likely to make this a really last minute joby is his radiation therapy only be finishing around then and we don't know what way he will be fixed.

So that was my we may or may not be at Eastercon this year.  Could something be more up in the air? 

I'm feeling crappy and hormonal so I think this evening will be spent in bed propped up with pillows & cushions, being comforted by hot water bottles & hot chocolate and occupied by my book and the radio.

That sounds like a plan but first eats - a bowl of cornflakes me thinks - appetite is gone (except for chocolate - num!)

I had great plans for yesterday and they involved lots of crafts but no - I turned on the wii and spent the entire day playing!  firstly on the wii fit and then started playing sports resorts.  It was great fun but this morning I'm going oops!  I haven't moved that much in YEARS and I can feel it in my stomach.  Can I presume that it's working?  
I should so a little bit more today shouldn't I?

This morning I am trying to decide which twitter client to use - I've tweetie & twitter but tweetie opens pictures in the browser while twitter doesn't maintain position - when it opens it's showing most recent - if I could combine both I'd be happy so does anybody have any recommendations?

I wonder do they know why they are dressing up this evening?